I'm hitting a low. I hate to use that phrase because like my jerk of an ex roomie used it and mother uses it when she's having one of "those days" now that she's hit menopause but I am. I'm hitting a very serious low. For the weekend it's been pretty much easy going, not too much to deal with, I saw friends and I worked and I wrote a paper that apparently really well done (even though it needs more work) but I'm just getting to the end. The last bit of the day when I've only been up since 12 and it's only ten. My brain hurts. It's tired of thinking. Hell, it's tired of doing anything all together. I feel ready to slip back into my old self, the one that I've just recently discarded due to recent events that has led me to no longer have any vices. I want those vices back. I want to escape into them, for a reward, for the pleasure of it, for whatever reason I can find. I'm just so: over worked, stressed out, pushing so hard my body is ready to give out. At least I felt held together by my vices. No, that's a lie, I felt even worse when I allowed myself to think. I'm writing this here because I know people won't read it, not for awhile anyway and it'll pass. This moment right now will be gone soon. I'll go to sleep and tomorrow will "be a new day" but I want to start over. I want to make new friends. I want to be someone else. I don't so much feel disgusted with myself as bored with myself. I feel like it's not good enough. That I'm not good enough. This is what I get for putting off how I feel for a week. I just need to throw myself into school, like I have been for that past 4 days. Just school. School is all that matters right now, not me, not anything else. Do well in school. Do great on papers and exams. Don't think about home. Don't think about family. Don't think about everything I don't want to think about but it's gripping my insides, begging me to think about it. I just want to fade away. I don't want to be this person anymore. I've only just started dealing with everything and already I'm sick of it. Already I'm ready to be over it and have it in the past but it's going to take time, talking, probably medication. I don't know. God I just don't know anymore. Mom would say be strong. That I'm stronger than this but I'm so tired of being strong. I'm so tired of holding myself up. I want to fall down but isn't that what I have been doing by throwing myself into my vices? Falling "into" them. I just don't want to be strong anymore: mom says I'm allowed to be weak right now but it goes against everything I've been. It's all conflicting inside me. A massive battle is being fought inside my body and everything is being affected. It's made me physically ill, it's made me tired and my creativity is zapped. I've lost my muse. I've lost everything it seems. I wonder if I'll feel like this every sunday before I go see that lady. It's all going away. I'm pushing it away. It's running away. It's all going far, far away. I need to study for a test. I should be doing that right now. I'll get back to that.
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