Sunday, 04 February 2007

• how?!

  I dunno when it happened, but today I was looking at photos of some friends and realized "wow, they're starting to look like adults." and not in the "old" sense, but when they look back on that picture they'll be like "yeah, I'm 20/21/22 in this picture, god that was a good night." It was weird, for a second I could see it happening and I wonder am I starting to look older? No longer in my teens. I guess turning 20 really is bugging me after all. I know when I was 18 I was like "it's 20, no big deal." But now....now...fuckin' hell, I'm gonna turn 20 and what? I can't drink but everyone is going to see me differently, just like when I turned 18. It's so strange. I still can't believe it and I know it'll get here sooner than I'll realize. I just wonder. I think this death and dying project is fucking with my head, having to write my own will, my own obituary, and being roommateless I'm feeling lonely, and that it's true, tomorrow is never comfirmed. If I died tomorrow, my last day would be sitting in bed watching CSI and movies, doing homework, cleaning a shower, doing laundry and picking up my dorm room? Nothing exciting, all plain. God, I really thought I could just deal with the death and dying class but it's really kind of bothering me in a very subtle way.

  It's just so weird. So strange. All these hopes and fears that I want, having to write my Eulogy was fuckin' strange enough and the fear of what if it never happens, what if it all ends in less than a week by some freak accident? Is there really some purpse in any of this, at all? People of faith talk of a purpose, of having a reason to be here, so what's the point of being here if death comes tomorrow? Is there a life purpose other than to die at 20? What impact does that make on people? None, other than grief and pain. God, death doesn't make any sense at all. I just don't get it. I hope I can make it through this class without freaking out too much. Sorry if this was any kind of deepness, but I'm going to bed.

  • 11:36 PM
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